Depression
I was 11 years old, when I was diagnosed with "clinical depression". I don't remember exactly how my mom knew to take me to the doctor to be diagnosed. I believe it was a combination of her observing that I was feeling melancholy all of the time followed by her talking with me about not feeling happy anymore. Unfortunately, I vaguely remember that talk. I think my mom questioned how I was feeling and explained to me that sometimes people have a chemical imbalance in their brains that doesn't allow them to feel good, to no fault of their own and it would probably be best for me to see the doctor since she noticed I had been feeling this way for awhile.
What I do remember clearly, is going to see my happy go lucky family doctor shortly after talking with my mom and then having an awkward conversation with my joyful doctor about not feeling happy anymore. During the conversation, he asked me a series of questions and determined that it would benefit him better in understanding what was going on with me if I filled out a short questionnaire.
I remember the shame I felt in feeling like I had done something wrong, as the doctor closed the door to allow me to take the questionnaire in privacy. I stood there in the small exam room at the podium used for medical charting, staring at the fill in the bubble questionnaire. There were approximately 12 questions asking me how I felt over the last two weeks, with fill in the bubble answers like never, some of the time, a lot of the time and always. I filled out the questionnaire quickly and to the best of my ability. As I waited nervously for the doctor to come back in the exam room and look it over, my mind raced.
Now, I didn't know what clinical depression was. I didn't know that people could feel sad and have no control over it, not being able to "snap out of it". I also didn't know that, this was what I had been experiencing lately. Nothing that I recalled had triggered my sad feelings. They must have come on gradually and eventually my mom had recognized the telltale signs of depression and gotten me help the best way that she knew how.
When the doctor came back into the exam room, he confirmed that I had indeed been suffering from what was known as "clinical depression". This was caused from a chemical imbalance in my brain. My brain was no longer able to signal that I was happy anymore, but I was not to worry, because there was a medication that could help me start feeling better soon. That's when I was prescribed that green and white happy capsule that everyone has heard so much about. Thus began my daily dose of 20mg of Prozac at a mere 11 years of age.
For the next 11 years I was on and off of various types and doses of antidepressants, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Lexapro, Effexor, Celexa and Zoloft to name a few. I would start to feel better and then take myself off of the meds, only to fall into yet another bout of depression. I didn't want to believe that I would have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life.
By the time I was 22 years old I was a seasoned vet with antidepressants and was going through some really tough real life stuff, like my mom battling colon cancer for the second time. Finally I got fed up with the meds. I wasn't taking them regularly enough to feel the effects of the drugs and was having so many terrible side effects, that I decided enough was enough. Besides, at the time I was doing such a fabulous job of self medicating, who needed pharmaceuticals, when I had alcohol and weed. This was also around the same time I met my husband, who at the time, was a new guy I was having lots of fun partying with.
I convinced myself I was no longer depressed and didn't need antidepressants. I also started reading the book "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns M.D. Honestly I may have gotten through the first chapter and then put it down, but to this day it still has a place on my bookshelf, just in case I need it. From what I remember of the book, it was a whole lot of common sense strategies and thinking of happiness more logically. Over time and a whole lot of trial and error, I realized the best way for me to fight depression is to take good care of my mind and body, by sleeping well, exercising regularly, eating nutrient dense foods and spending quality time with friends and family.
Now just because I haven't been on antidepressants the past 14 years, does not mean I have not battled depression. Because I have. Depression for me and much of my family has and will continue to be a lifelong battle. For whatever the reason, I am genetically predisposed to suffer from depression. Lucky me I've inherited it on both sides. Both of my grandmothers suffered from depression, one succumb to it via suicide when my dad was a teenager and the other battled it for nearly 95 years. My parents have also had their fair share of bouts of depression as well, and continue to battle it too.
Knowing about depression and it's evil tactics is half the battle. Being aware of how you're feeling, recognizing that something is wrong when it is wrong and reaching out for help is the other half of the battle. If I've learned anything over the last 25 years of being "clinically depressed", it's that you can't fight this battle on your own. The battle of depression is better fought and won in numbers. Having a support system to lean on when you're down, to help you stand on your own two feet is key. Taking care of yourself is of the upmost importance, making sure to get proper sleep, exercise, and eating nutritious rich whole foods is imperative. Staying away from drugs, alcohol and surprisingly... sugar is crucial, which is extremely tough because when you're depressed your body seems to crave those vices.
I wrote this blog today out of concern for a very dear loved one. Please, if you know or suspect anyone who is or may be depressed, let them know you are there for them and will always be there for them. There is nothing worse than that awful feeling of loneliness and being misunderstood when you are depressed.
What I do remember clearly, is going to see my happy go lucky family doctor shortly after talking with my mom and then having an awkward conversation with my joyful doctor about not feeling happy anymore. During the conversation, he asked me a series of questions and determined that it would benefit him better in understanding what was going on with me if I filled out a short questionnaire.
I remember the shame I felt in feeling like I had done something wrong, as the doctor closed the door to allow me to take the questionnaire in privacy. I stood there in the small exam room at the podium used for medical charting, staring at the fill in the bubble questionnaire. There were approximately 12 questions asking me how I felt over the last two weeks, with fill in the bubble answers like never, some of the time, a lot of the time and always. I filled out the questionnaire quickly and to the best of my ability. As I waited nervously for the doctor to come back in the exam room and look it over, my mind raced.
Now, I didn't know what clinical depression was. I didn't know that people could feel sad and have no control over it, not being able to "snap out of it". I also didn't know that, this was what I had been experiencing lately. Nothing that I recalled had triggered my sad feelings. They must have come on gradually and eventually my mom had recognized the telltale signs of depression and gotten me help the best way that she knew how.
When the doctor came back into the exam room, he confirmed that I had indeed been suffering from what was known as "clinical depression". This was caused from a chemical imbalance in my brain. My brain was no longer able to signal that I was happy anymore, but I was not to worry, because there was a medication that could help me start feeling better soon. That's when I was prescribed that green and white happy capsule that everyone has heard so much about. Thus began my daily dose of 20mg of Prozac at a mere 11 years of age.
For the next 11 years I was on and off of various types and doses of antidepressants, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Lexapro, Effexor, Celexa and Zoloft to name a few. I would start to feel better and then take myself off of the meds, only to fall into yet another bout of depression. I didn't want to believe that I would have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life.
By the time I was 22 years old I was a seasoned vet with antidepressants and was going through some really tough real life stuff, like my mom battling colon cancer for the second time. Finally I got fed up with the meds. I wasn't taking them regularly enough to feel the effects of the drugs and was having so many terrible side effects, that I decided enough was enough. Besides, at the time I was doing such a fabulous job of self medicating, who needed pharmaceuticals, when I had alcohol and weed. This was also around the same time I met my husband, who at the time, was a new guy I was having lots of fun partying with.
I convinced myself I was no longer depressed and didn't need antidepressants. I also started reading the book "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns M.D. Honestly I may have gotten through the first chapter and then put it down, but to this day it still has a place on my bookshelf, just in case I need it. From what I remember of the book, it was a whole lot of common sense strategies and thinking of happiness more logically. Over time and a whole lot of trial and error, I realized the best way for me to fight depression is to take good care of my mind and body, by sleeping well, exercising regularly, eating nutrient dense foods and spending quality time with friends and family.
Now just because I haven't been on antidepressants the past 14 years, does not mean I have not battled depression. Because I have. Depression for me and much of my family has and will continue to be a lifelong battle. For whatever the reason, I am genetically predisposed to suffer from depression. Lucky me I've inherited it on both sides. Both of my grandmothers suffered from depression, one succumb to it via suicide when my dad was a teenager and the other battled it for nearly 95 years. My parents have also had their fair share of bouts of depression as well, and continue to battle it too.
Knowing about depression and it's evil tactics is half the battle. Being aware of how you're feeling, recognizing that something is wrong when it is wrong and reaching out for help is the other half of the battle. If I've learned anything over the last 25 years of being "clinically depressed", it's that you can't fight this battle on your own. The battle of depression is better fought and won in numbers. Having a support system to lean on when you're down, to help you stand on your own two feet is key. Taking care of yourself is of the upmost importance, making sure to get proper sleep, exercise, and eating nutritious rich whole foods is imperative. Staying away from drugs, alcohol and surprisingly... sugar is crucial, which is extremely tough because when you're depressed your body seems to crave those vices.
I wrote this blog today out of concern for a very dear loved one. Please, if you know or suspect anyone who is or may be depressed, let them know you are there for them and will always be there for them. There is nothing worse than that awful feeling of loneliness and being misunderstood when you are depressed.
Comments
Post a Comment