One Day At A Time Written By: Niki Ishikawa

It has been two months too long since my last blog post. Why? Well, I really don't know. Maybe this blog will help me figure it out. It seemed to happen over time. Toward the end of December and beginning of January, I gradually got away from making my blog posting a weekly priority. I told myself I was focusing on working on my book, which I was, for a little while. Then February hit me hard.

It all began to go down hill when I allowed myself a brownie like cookie on Super Bowl Sunday and then continued to eat another 10 brownie-cookies that night, still feeling unsatisfied and hungry for more. In reality it had only been about a month since I had last indulged in the sweet goodness of sugar, but once again I lost control of myself with that very first bite and every bite there after. It's always all or nothing for me. Either I eat sugar all day everyday or I quit eating it completely. I've been struggling to find balance in my life, with everything, not just my sugar consumption.

This was also around the time that we decided it was time for us to start searching for a house to buy, since we have out grown our current home. So not only was I fighting my sugar addiction and my lack of motivation to write, I now had a new focus of house hunting in a very limited market here in this small town we call home. I threw myself into searching for the perfect home, to the point of obsession, constantly checking all of the house hunting sites and apps, for a possible new listing.

Next thing I knew my whole family got sick with cold and flu symptoms, even though three out of four of us did get our flu shots, we all still got sick. First the kids got sick probably picking up the virus from school, then both my husband and I got sick. Then as soon as we thought we were all getting better, that virus’s cousin made another round through our family again. I'll admit I probably used those viruses as an excuse not to write and then frankly, I fell out of the habit of writing completely. Before I knew it, February was over and I was no longer writing anymore, not even journaling.

I kept thinking about posting a blog or working on my book, but then I would question myself. Am I ready? Do I have anything interesting to write about? Will my readers enjoy what I write? Essentially I sat in front of my laptop and talked myself out of writing nearly everyday. I distracted myself with house hunting, daydreaming, reading and napping.

While I was talking myself out of writing, I grew anxious and irritable, diving head first into my drug of choice, my sweet escape…SUGAR.  I realized I might have a problem when I was consuming sugar at every possible moment and my husband resorted to hiding cookies and candy from me so he and the kids could have some too. Curious I would have the audacity to wonder why I was feeling so terrible. I was unable to do the simple tasks that I normally do on a daily basis. I struggled to pull myself out of bed every morning. I was fighting myself to practice yoga and walk our dog. I was feeling run down, overwhelmed and unfocused all over again. Was my Graves Disease flaring up? Quite possibly.

By the time March rolled around, writing was always on my mind, haunting me in a sense. But it wasn't enough to get me writing until now. By the way, this is my third attempt to post this particular blog. I started it two weeks ago and then tried to finish and post it last week, only to have it vanish from my computer screen after working on it for two hours. While that was frustrating and discouraging, I am taking it as a test of my perseverance. And dang it, I am going to win. I am not going to let a disappearing blog, give me yet another excuse not to write.

One night, after we put the kids to bed, my husband and I sat at our kitchen table and had a serious conversation about my lack of writing, which quickly led to a conversation about my sugar consumption. At first it was funny and seemed almost ridiculous. I mean come on it's just sugar. Could sugar really be one of the reasons I’m not writing?

Sugar does make me crazy. I say that looking back at it, remembering how my every need turns to sugar and nothing but sugar. When will I get my next bite or sip? I never see it when I'm knee deep in salted caramel mochas, and dark chocolate coconut haystacks, indulging in double chocolate cake loafs for breakfast, or shoveling handfuls of cookies down my throat. I suffer from the sugar highs, the inevitable lows, crashing hard with the inability to focus, a racing heart, high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, irritability and sleep deprivation. 

With tears in my eyes, I admit to my husband how powerless I feel, “I can’t do it. I want to write, but I can’t. I keep thinking, if only I quit sugar, then I’ll feel good and then I’ll get back to writing, but it all feels so impossible right now.”

“It is impossible when you look at it like that.” 

“Well, what do I do?”

“In my leadership classes...” My husband chuckles to himself, “Ha, I’m educated. I have my Masters.” He says it like he doesn’t believe it and then continues, “But seriously, in my classes, we learned about managing people and how best to get them to succeed. In general, people have a higher rate of success when they are able to break down their big goals into smaller achievable steps. Instead of saying, ‘I’m going to quit sugar for the rest of my life,’ which is impossible when looking at it like that or saying ‘I’m going to write a book,’ which also feels impossible. Break these big goals into something easily achievable. Tomorrow, tell yourself, ‘Today I’m not going to have any sweet treats or drinks. Today I am going to write a paragraph.’ Take it one day at a time. This makes the impossible feel possible and if you don’t succeed tomorrow, try again the next day. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will write when you’re ready. I know you will.”

“I feel like I’m in recovery.”

“That is one of the reasons those recovery programs have such a high success rate. They take things one day at a time. They don’t tell themselves they are going to quit drinking for the rest of their lives, because that feels like an impossible feat. Instead they take it one day at a time, saying, ‘I am not going to drink today.' You can do it too. Just take it one day at a time."

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the beginning of March, taking it one day at a time. Have I quit sugar completely? No. But I am consuming far less than I was, going days at a time without a bite or sip. Taking it one day at a time and forgiving myself when I have moments of weakness, has been the key to my success. I am feeling much better now, not nearly so overwhelmed. And the best thing is, I finally feel like I have the strength to write, also taking it one day at at time. 

I am so very grateful for my husband. Without him, his wisdom and encouragement I would be lost.