Finding Balance

I’m an all or nothing type of person. Occasionally this works to my benefit, but most times it does not. When I say all or nothing I mean all or nothing in anything and everything. 

Sugar for example, either I’m eating all the cookies or I am eating none. Currently I’m devouring an entire package of chocolate bark. It’s salted hazelnut toffee covered in dark chocolate. Then there are times when I commit to a Whole 30 and I refrain from sugar entirely. Which by the way a good friend wants me to begin another one of those the day after Labor Day. I’m considering it, solely because I feel a little off kilter and a dietary reset could potentially get me back on track. 

Another thing I’m all or nothing about is when it comes to socializing with friends and family. Either I’m calling my parents daily and talking for thirty minutes to an hour each time or I’m barely sending them a text message. Same with friends, either I’m scheduling playdates everyday or I haven’t seen or talked to them in weeks, maybe even months.

My exercise habits fall into the same ups and downs, either I’m exercising daily or not at all. Along with the cleanliness of my home , either it’s spic and span with everything in it’s place or it’s a disaster area covered in dust and grime. There never seems to be an in between for me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I struggle to find balance with everything. Even my writing. I will go weeks maybe even months without writing a single word down on the page and then other times I will stay consistent and write regularly for months on end. 

It’s like there is a switch inside of me that switches on and off. It usually switches on and I maintain the impossible perfection for as long as I can, then something happens that makes me fall off, like I catch a cold or become completely exhausted with my expectations. Then I fall off for awhile unable to function or in some cases lose all self control (like with junk food and chocolate). 

I write this now, because over the last six weeks, since I started my new job, I’ve been maintaining an impossible attempt at perfection and dedication to my job. I want so badly to succeed at being the best teacher I can possibly be, that I have lost sight of everything else. I had this epiphany while laying on the couch all yesterday afternoon and evening, falling in and out of sleep completely exhausted and unable to do anything except zone out. 

For the first time in weeks I allowed myself to just lay there and do nothing else. Of course it took the beginning of a cold to bring me down to the couch. While I felt bad like I should be doing something, anything, because I always have so much to do, at the same time it felt so great to do nothing. I just enjoyed my husband and children’s company while we watched movies, something I haven’t done in ages. 

Yesterday’s down time gave me enough of a dose of rest to help recuperate from the cold that was starting to plague me. Today I’ve gone on with the madness of my mom duties; menu planning, grocery shopping, cleaning house and preparing for the week ahead, but not without missing out on a playdate with good friends. As I sit here finishing up the last thing on my to do list for today (writing this blog), I can’t help but wish I had made the time for my friends.

After all what’s life worth living if you’re not sharing it with family and friends? So here’s to finally recognizing that I need to find my balance. Somehow someway I will find balance and enjoy sharing life’s precious moments with my family and friends, while still being the best mom, wife, daughter, friend and teacher I can be.