Torturing Myself

Why I ever thought teaching would be easy is beyond me. I’m looking at starting week four tomorrow and I’m feeling more confident and ready than I have been in the previous weeks. But I’ve also spent an incredible amount of time preparing for the coming week. Lesson planning and grading is no joke. I never once considered how much time it would take me to plan a week’s worth of lessons or grade 100 student papers, actually more like 300 student papers, since each student does about three short responses per class period for me. 

Yes, I could give my students less work or not put as much effort into grading as I have been, but that’s just not me. I don’t do things half-assed. I take a lot of pride in what I do, when I do it. I may have been a server for the last ten years, but I was the best server I could possibly be. That being said, while I thought I was transitioning from three days a week to only one more day a week of work, I was completely wrong. I went from working 15 hours a week to working a full time job at work and at home. I wish my day was done when that final bell rang for the day, but the reality is, it’s not. In some ways it feels like it’s just beginning. 

It’s no wonder why I’m tired and drained. Yes, I don’t have to work late anymore, but I’m still up late making sure that all I need done is done. It’s not like I get to go home and finish the work that I started at the school. First I have to take care of my family ensuring that everyone is fed, that both homework and music practice are done, and that everyone is ready for the next day, with lunches and backpacks packed, ready to go. Plus I’m still attempting to maintain my own writing. That is why yet again, I’m sitting here writing this blog even though I would much rather be getting ready for bed. I feel out of sorts in my writing. I’m so overwhelmed with all I want to get done, it makes it hard to focus on attempting to write anything interesting. So unfortunately for you readers, I’m writing whatever is weighing most heavily on me. 

Today I had the intention of grading papers, writing a blog and then cleaning the house. Alas our house is filthy and there is no way I will clean it tonight. I don’t have the time nor the energy. What I thought would take me an hour and a half maybe two hours of grading, ended up taking me more than half the day, mostly because of all the interruptions of my little ones. Unfortunately the littlest one is getting sick with a fever and cold. I’m dreading the fact that tomorrow he may not be well enough for school or worse his illness will make it’s rounds through this house. There was also the piles of laundry that needed to get done today and my own procrastination held me up too. I honestly dreaded grading those papers and avoided it as much as I could, until I realized those papers weren’t going anywhere and I might as well trudge through it. I did eventually get on a pretty good roll, once I got going, while my little one slept off his sickness on the futon in my office, but it took me forever to get to that point. 

As I sit here trying to write, I’m beginning to feel a little ill myself. No I’m not. I’m not going to get sick. I can’t. Then my whole world would come crashing down on top of me. I’m not going to worry about it, instead I’m going to listen to what my mom has always said when I start feeling sick and make sure I drink plenty of fluids and get my rest so I’m ready to do it all over again tomorrow. Because as much work as my new job is, it’s crazy to think I’m falling in love with it. After all I’ve always loved reading and writing. To have the opportunity to teach what I love has been an incredible experience. Most of my students are genuinely interested in what I’m teaching and are putting forth the effort I expect. What can I say, these teenagers are growing on me. I think I might actually like them and I certainly want the best for them, which is why it seems I’m torturing myself.