Under Control

Most of the time I feel like I hold it together pretty well. Especially considering all that I am in charge of and attempt to take care of on a daily basis. Caring for my two little boys, my husband, our puppy and our home, while working a full time job is not an easy task for me. Props to those moms who do have it all under control. You truly are amazing. I honestly am utterly exhausted and feel like I will never catch up nor ever will have the chaos even somewhat under control. 

I’d say most days I do appear to have it all under control, that is, until some random Saturday comes along and I actually have the time to stop and breath, that’s when I think of all I should have and could have done. And that’s also, when the tears start to overflow. All the things I normally handle somewhat decently, suddenly turned into monumental, almost impossible tasks for me to do. 

To make matters worse, I took all my feelings of inadequacy out on my husband and children, yelling at them to clean up the house, because I can’t stand the sight of the clutter and filth that has accumulated, because there it is, staring me in the face, the chaos, showing me I truly don’t ever have it all under control. The mere sight of it all unfolding showing me what I have not done and cannot do made me incredibly anxious and I lost all control. 

I cried and yelled and cried some more. My husband and children are saints for listening to me and understanding my cries. When I get all worked up into that crazy frenzy of inadequacy, I become unreasonable and moronic in my requests. But my husband patiently says and does whatever he can to calm me and make my world just a little bit better and easier to cope with. In this instance, he immediately got to work on cleaning the kitchen and enlisted the boys to clean up all their books and toys in the living room and their bedroom, while I worked on the endless piles of laundry and cleaning our own bedroom. 

After awhile my anxiety began to fade away and took with it my anger. As things got cleaner and tidier my sense of being overwhelmed began to dissipate. It took us two days, but we finally got the laundry and the house somewhat under control. Thankfully I am feeling much better than I did just 24 hours ago. Looking at my mostly crossed off “To Do List” now, makes me smile. My husband as always, has managed to talk some sense back into me, yet again, forever coaching me and teaching me, reminding me that it’s okay if I can’t do it all, because I do have help.