And Then I Cried

I cried myself to sleep last night. Not that it happens often, actually anymore, it rarely happens. But when it does happen, not only do I feel miserable that night, but the next morning my eyes end up so puffy I can barely open them, which is the constant reminder of my moment of weakness the night before. 

So why did I cry? A number of reasons. But probably the most significant reason was this nagging feeling of guilt. I constantly feel somewhat guilty. I am always internalizing everything that I could be doing for someone or something, and then secretly berate myself for not having done what I could have done. However there are sometimes that I end up feeling an incredibly overwhelming sense of guilt, where I feel unworthy of basically everything in my life. 

Last night happened to be one of those nights. Oddly enough it happened after we attended a cousin’s wedding reception. We had planned on putting the kids to bed and then enjoying the company of each other before going to sleep ourselves. Unfortunately one thing led to another in our conversation and next thing I know, I’m crying and my poor husband doesn’t know what to do besides reassure me that he loves me.

So what in particular did I feel guilty about last night? Basically two things, number one was leaving my parents almost 13 years ago, by moving away to Arizona with my husband and not having the means or time to visit them more often. Number two contemplating rehoming our Huskie-Lab mix puppy who is crazy because she is not trained and is secluded from us either in the backyard or in her crate because I don’t have the time or energy to exercise her enough or train her.

I’m not sure why the guilt hit me as hard as it did last night, maybe it was just time for me to burst into tears. Obviously this guilt has been weighing heavily on me for quite some time, especially the guilt of leaving my parents. I think the guilt of leaving my parents is so fresh and stirred up again, because they just left from visiting us and while I thought we would be spending part of our winter break with them this year in my hometown, our buying a house and having to move during the break has stopped that plan from happening. Then considering the next time that would be reasonable for us to visit them wouldn’t be until Spring Break, which will be about 9 months from our last visit back home made me feel terrible.

This whole dog thing has me in a frenzy too. The thing is I do love this dog. She is just as sweet as can be. The problem with her is she’s a very high energy puppy and I suck at dog training. The poor kids no longer play in the backyard because she jumps all over them wanting to play. I can’t bring her in the house because she tackles them in play then steals their toys wanting to play a game of chase. I know if I just got her proper exercise and worked with her, she would be a great dog. That’s when my husband chimes in and says, “these are the brutal facts. You haven’t been getting up to walk her and you aren’t training her. You don’t have the time or energy for her. It’s not fair to her.” 

And then I cried and cried and cried.